Every person is a sinner at his core. That is part of the nature that is in us all. You are right about yourself; however, this is not exclusive to you alone. This is to every man women child on this earth. It is the doctrine of sin. This we all know (romans 3:23; Genesis 6:5). And this is a good thing because Jesus says "blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" Jesus says we must know that we are nothing (this is having a right view of ourselves in comparison with God). But in knowing we are nothing we realize that God is everything; therefore our lowliness of spirit births our entrance into the kingdom. But the key here in what Jesus says in these beatitudes is two fold. First there must be the lowliness of spirit (that you realize) and of the depth of depravity that we are in, but there is another key truth also that is the idea of God. This idea of Him (which brings us into the kingdom of heaven) must be the truest idea of Him. He is holy (separate from all other existence because he is creator not creature) (Isaiah 6:3) just (all he does is correct) (Psalms 89:14) righteous (there is not sin found in him) (Psalms 89:14) wrathful (with righteousness in those that are sinful) (Ezekiel 25:17) jealous (a love for his people and a wanting to keep him to himself [which he is due being the most supreme being in existence]) (Exodus 20:5) and these are the ones it seems many equate with (or that which I'm about to speak on and leaving out that which I have spoken on) but there is more. God is merciful (He does not inflict the punishment in which we deserve) (Deuteronomy 4:31) gracious (giving us things that we not only do not deserve but ill deserve and this is one that I believe you should remember) (Romans 3:24) kind (considerate and helpful because of his nature to be) (Romans 2:4) patient (slow to anger and wrath suffers the site of evil to see men come to repentance) (2 Peter 3:9) forgiving (God lets our sin vanish be cause of the work on the cross where he and we do not have to remember or be eternally condemned any longer for it) (Psalms 103:12) and he is loving (and its not that he loves in general but that he loves us and he demonstrates that love by sacrificing His Son for us) (John 3:16) I believe Exodus 34:6-7 sums up the totality of God's character. Now in having a right estimation of ourselves as being depraved and wholly sinful individuals and then in having a true understanding of the Righteous King (i.e. God) then one is moved to repentance and love for Him.
We as brothers must bond together and open up ourselves if we are to ever be truly free in Christ. Paul talks about his own life being beaten and bruised in his walk as a man consumed with sin and weakness (Romans 7:15-25). But He having a right understanding of God in His grace and mercy cries out "there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." this condemnation is a damnation or a judging of what our flesh does in its sinful nature; however, as we know we sin (even habitually as the text in Romans states [in AMP version]) and when we sin we must ask for forgiveness and this with boldness for Jesus knows how we feel (Hebrews 4:16). And when we go to Him he forgives us and cleans us of this evil (1 John 1:9). Yet often times though we too much call simple sorrow true confession when it is not; there is a distinction (2 Cor. 7:10). And this is why the brotherhood of the saints is so important. We as a family of faith help to bring true repentance and this by accountability (Galatians 6:1-2). Furthermore in this confession as brothers in repentance of the heart (through accountability) we find that this brings about a change a true change in the action of the person that is doing the confessing. He becomes cleansed of the demons that have plagued in him for so long. The ground which seemed to rot wherever he walk now seems more solid in each step taken. This is the healing that is promised in James (5:16) a healing that is true in a physical sense but also in the spiritual sense as Peter (1 Peter 2:24) says of us through Christ death. Confession (accountability) with the brethren is important and needs to happen. This is a responsibility that breads great rewards (proverbs 27:17). And maybe this sorry is what God has called upon to bring you to this repentance and accountability that he has set you apart for, for God may have called you to a divine appointment and that is now (1 Cor. 7:9)
Aside from these little messages I wrote about two very important things I believe need to be addressed are all the natural things that go on in life (though not easy by no means). And with these natural things comes relationships. If we cannot trust people (which I believe this is a major issue in your life) then life is going to be difficult with people. I know that it seems easier to be alone than to deal with others but others (in Christ honoring friendships) can bring life and joy that we could not imagine. I truly believe that the brethren is the love of God shown in human agency. As you have clearly stated it is hard to see and feel God's loving rays at times but His body is a tangible feeling of that John says that the love of the brethren perfects (or rather completes) God's love (1 John 4:12).
I must say Jacob that you have to let us love you. We may push you to be more than you are (but that God wants you to be) do more than you think you are capable of (and you are not without the help of God) and risk more than you may ever risk (love, trust, life) but this is what real friendship and true brotherhood is. Paul tells us to lay aside all falsehood and speak truth to one another for we are one body. And that is what I must do and if you trust me you will walk in it, be taught and discipled (Colossians 2:7 says that we are taught by someone i.e. a discipler and that we should remember those things in our lives). God has plans for you Jacob you must get out of the way and let him work.
